At some point, almost every memoirist I’ve worked with asks some version of the same question when writing about other people in their memoir:

“What about the other people in my story?”

Sometimes it’s a practical concern: can I be sued?

Other times, it’s an ethical one: do I have the right to tell this?

Many people worry about what their family members will think. Will Uncle George be offended?

These are not minor questions. They’re worth thinking through carefully before you start writing. Honestly, I’d rather you think through them now, at the beginning, than get to a finished draft and realize that you can’t publish your book.

Let me share what I’ve learned over the twenty-plus years I’ve spend helping people tell their true stories.

You Have the Right to Your Own Story

Let’s start there. It’s simple and true and many writers need to hear it. Your story is yours. You lived these experiences and have every right to write about them.

Now, where it gets tricky is that your story and other people’s stories intertwine. You’ll need to mention the other characters. And some of them might not be “good guys.” Still, you have a point of view that is uniquely yours.

A memoir isn’t a legal document drawn up to represent all parties fairly. It’s one person’s honest account of their own experience. It’s written from a single perspective, and readers understand that.

The Practical Reality: Defamation

Here’s the question I get asked most often: “Can someone sue me for what I write?”

The short answer is: anyone can sue anyone for anything. However, it would be highly uncommon, and there are clear ways to protect yourself.

First of all, defamation law protects people from false statements which are presented as true. If you write something about a real person that you know to be false and it damages their reputation and that is illegal. For instance, if you say that your uncle Joe robbed a store while you were with him and that never happened, he could sue you. You can’t just print lies.

But you need to remember that a memoir, by its nature, is subjective. You are describing your experience, and they are your memories. If you truthfully share things from your life, it is understood that you are seeing the world through your eyes and have a viewpoint.

It stands to reason that truth is your best protection. Keep journals, photos, emails, etc. to prove what you said is true.

That said: I’m a writer, not a lawyer. If you’re writing about something that could be genuinely sensitive from a legal standpoint, a quick consultation with a publishing attorney before you go to print is always worthwhile. It doesn’t take long and it can save you a great deal of stress.

The Human Component

The legal question is often simpler to answer than the personal one.

What do you do when the people in your story are your mother, your ex-husband, your best friend of thirty years? These are people you may see at Thanksgiving. They will read your memoir. Then what?

There’s no single answer, and anyone who tells you there is should be viewed with skepticism. But here are the questions I find most useful.

Are you trying to settle a score? There’s a difference between telling the truth about a painful relationship and using a memoir to punish someone. Readers can tell the difference. As a ghostwriter, I’m approached to write revenge pieces all the time. I politely decline. If you notice you’re enjoying the damage your words might cause, that’s a signal to step back and examine your motivations.

Are you portraying their perspective? The most powerful memoir writing about difficult people doesn’t reduce them to one-dimensional villains. It shows them as complicated human beings whose actions had real consequences. They had a viewpoint too. Find that when you write about them. This is both more honest and more readable. It’s also harder to pull off.

Is there a strong purpose for including a scene? Sometimes the full truth of a situation can be conveyed without including every specific detail that might hurt someone unnecessarily. Each scene in your book should have a purpose and should move the story along.

Changing Names and Identifying Details

This is a common and widely accepted practice when penning a memoir. If you’re writing about someone and you aren’t sure how they’ll feel about it, it’s ok to change their name as long as you disclose it at the beginning in your Author’s Note. You can also hide them a bit by changing a few identifying details.

The situation is more complicated for central figures whose identities are genuinely part of the story. Your mother is your mother, even if you change her name.

A Final Thought

The best memoirs I’ve been involved in don’t try to be fair to everyone at the expense of being true. They’re written by people who took their responsibility seriously: to tell their story honestly, to treat others with a basic human dignity even when describing real harm, and to trust the reader to understand complexity.

Your story doesn’t require anyone’s permission. But it does require your integrity.