Most writing advice focuses on what to put in. Show, don’t tell. Add more detail. Build your scenes. Develop your characters. And yes, all of that matters enormously.

But there’s a skill that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: knowing what to cut.

This is genuinely one of the hardest parts of writing your life story. You lived it all and it all feels important, vital even. So how does one decide what belongs on the page and what is best left for your journal?

After two decades of helping people write their memoirs, I’ve developed some clear principles for this.

Your Memoir Is Not Your Diary

 

A memoir is not a record of everything that happened in your life. It is a shaped narrative about a particular period, a set of events designed to take a reader to a meaningful place.

If you keep a diary, something I highly recommend, it will capture all the details of your days. You might even record what you ate, who annoyed you, and the small frustrations you have experienced, as well as the pleasures. These experiences were valuable to you and held personal meaning. However these memories might not make for a compelling book.

A memoir carves from your life experiences the way a sculptor liberates a figure from a block of marble. The story is in there. Your job is to remove everything that isn’t the story.

So how do you know what to leave out of your memoir?

Determine your theme

 

Every strong memoir has a theme. It’s what the book is really about; it’s what the main character (you) learned through the set of experiences that you share. If you haven’t identified yours yet, that’s the place to start.

What lesson did you learn? It might be learning to identify and walk away from a toxic relationship. Or perhaps you discovered that being kind and helping others leads to your own personal happiness.

Once you figure out your theme, you have a direction and each incident you share should forward your story in that direction. That’s your filter. Avoid the side tangents, no matter how scenic that trail might seem.

The Most Common Errors

Over the years, I’ve coached dozens of people to write their memoirs. I’ve noticed some recurring patterns in what first-time memoir writers tend to want to include. These are a few things to leave out of your memoir:

Too much backstory up front. Writers often feel they need to explain everything before the story can start. For instance, one client insisted that the reader needed to understand the whole family history before they could get the first real scene. Dumping all the data early slows things down considerably. Great memoirs begin with action, that pulls the reader in. Weave the details of the backstory as the story unfolds.

Lots of side characters who don’t matter. Your life is full of interesting people. They can add color, but not all of them belong in your book. If a person doesn’t help you share your story, if they don’t challenge or support you in a meaningful way, their presence can dilute the narrative.

Every detail of every conversation. Dialogue in a memoir is reconstructed, not transcribed. You are not a stenographer; you don’t need to record entire exchanges. You want the dialogue to be snappy, witty and contribute to the story line. Trust the reader to fill in the rest.

Repetitive scenes. If you have three scenes that all show the same thing, it stagnates the story. For instance, one memoirist wrote three scenes showing how awful her husband had been to her. Two could have been cut. Unless it serves a purpose, cut redundant scenes.

Create a Detailed Outline

 

Before you embark on the adventure of writing your life story, take the time to sketch it first. Create a detailed outline. Then you can glance at the whole and decide what to cut before you’ve invested the hours it will require to write the first draft.

As you review all the scenes you plan to include, see if they each have a strong purpose that forwards your story in the right direction. When you list them all out, the offending scenes will stick out like a weed in a flower garden, and you’ll know to pluck it.

Serve the Reader, Not the Author

 

There’s a truth that you might not like to hear. Your memoir is not really for you; it’s for your readers.

I’m not taking away from the fact that you are sharing deeply personal events from your life. I’m also not saying that you won’t receive personal gain from writing this book. You will! It’s very cathartic to write one’s life story.

What I am saying is that you need to look at your life with an objective eye. If you’re including a character or an incident out of a sense of personal satisfaction or revenge, leave it out. Focus on the story and determine if the scene helps the reader to follow it.

I had a client who wanted to include a lot of personal anecdotes about his friends. Although those people in his life will be thrilled to have been included, the outside reader would have been confused because the scenes didn’t contribute to the story.

Remember, your readers are strangers who picked up your book to learn something about themselves. Done well, they will see a reflection of their own lives and feel a little less alone in the world. They can only discover that if you’ve cleared the path, deleting all the scenes that don’t serve the story.

When you write for the reader, something interesting happens. Your story becomes sharper; it becomes more alive.

Less, Done Well, Can Be More

When you’re considering what to leave out of your memoir, know that memoirists who connect deeply with readers are not the ones who included every detail of their lives. You need to choose what to share wisely.

Restraint is a form of respect for the reader. Over-explaining and repeating messages over and over can feel insulting to an avid reader, leaving them wondering why you don’t find them intelligent enough to get the message the first time.

Think of the memoirs that have stayed with you. Chances are they didn’t overshare, but rather told you exactly enough to fill in the gaps. White space can be very powerful and will help your story breathe and expand for the readers within their minds. Your reader’s imagination is a powerful tool. Use it.

None of this is easy. I think some people feel a loss when they cut certain scenes. Try to see yourself as Michelangelo, looking to find the sculpture that already exists inside the marble. Your story is in there. Give yourself the time and grace to free it.